


Reminiscence

by Hayluhalo



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, CA:CW Aftermath, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 12:00:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13903581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayluhalo/pseuds/Hayluhalo
Summary: Tony dealing with the aftermath of CA:CW.-----A little one-shot I whipped up for my 2018 STONY MCU Bingo card. The prompt is : Self-loathing. Enjoy!





	Reminiscence

There was a warm and familiar body heat near him. Tony was holding someone's hand. The other person stroke his cheek and, even though he couldn't see his face, he somehow knew who it was. Excitement and desperation spread like wildfire in his chest as he stoked the hand in his grip, nuzzling the other with his cheek. It had been a long time. Tony enjoyed the feeling of the familiar skin against his, the familiar smell, the familiar presence. It was exactly as he remembered. Nothing has changed and that was a relief.

"Hey, how about we draw each other." his lover said. The comment surprised him, but he replied fondly nevertheless. "Sure, but why?" He was rewarded by a chuckle."Because. It'll be fun. But put some effort into it, ok? Don't make me look bad." Tony looked down at the man who was now resting on his lap. From this angle, he could see the long lashes that framed his blue eyes, the perfect nose that he loved kissing and those beautiful lips that he has never seen chapped, not even once. It was impossible not to mess up. Any drawing would come short of the real thing.

"Yeah, of course. I'll draw a nice one. Did I not tell you? My middle name is Michelangelo. " Tony said sarcastically while rolling his eyes. He was used to drawing plans and blueprints, but he was far from being an artist. Tony opened his eyes, not remembering having closed them in the first place, and suddenly, the room was bathing in a warm evening light. The golden light danced around the room, making shapes on the other man's face. Mesmerized, Tony couldn't help but trace them lightly with the tip of his fingers. "It's making shapes on your face... You kind of look like some alien being." Tony commented, huffing a small laugh as the other man shifted and stroke his cheek yet again. The bright blue eyes locked into Tony's brown ones and the genius felt his breath catch in his chest.

"The same goes for you..." his lover said as he leaned in for a gentle peck. The heat of desire ran through Tony's body like a lightning bolt. He was buzzing. He felt alive. Tony cleared his throat, trying to recollect himself, and said.

"Hey, umm, remind me to go give you the access code to the lab..." He paused. _Why am I saying that?_ "...actually, you know it. It's the number combination we use between the two of us." Tony finished, still confused at his own comment. "You haven't changed it." The other replied simply, undisturbed. Tony's thoughts were still jumbled up and before he could unravel the reason for his confusion, his lover kissed him again, effectively shutting down his brain. When the kiss ended, his lover uttered "42". Tony cocked an eyebrow and before he could voice his question, the other continued with a grin on his lips."It's the last of the set of numbers for my gym locker, the rest you know." It took a moment to register and when it did, Tony couldn't help but laugh, his heart swelling.

"Sure, whatever you smartass..." Tony said as the other got closer to him. There was a familiar smell in the air. _Weed?_ Tony thought as he noticed, for the first time, the joint that seemed to have materialized in his lover's hand out of thin air. _When did that get there?_

"Want some?" Something felt wrong and right at the same time but Tony decided he didn't care. He was so happy right now, almost floating.

"Sure, but don't give me the burning bit to hold." The comment made his lover laugh and Tony was lost again, observing the lines that appeared around those beautiful eyes. In awe, he watched as the other put the joint in his mouth, gesturing for Tony to come closer. Knowing what it meant, Tony complied, leaning in until his lips were brushing against the soft ones of the other man and inhaled the fumes. Tony was buzzing again but it wasn't because of the inhale he just took. In fact, his body seemed to have barely registered. Instead, his mind and body were intensely focused on the sensation of the soft lips brushing against his own. He needed to slow down or he was going to lose his mind.

His lover dropped the joint and dragged Tony closer, one hand on his cheek and the other one on the back of his neck. "Tony...You're beautiful..." he said before kissing the smaller man again. But this time it was hard and dirty. _Oh god..._ Tony thought as a hot tongue slipped over his own, making him moan despite the tightness of his throat.

His mind went blank as he returned the kiss, harder, dirtier and with a hint of desperation. The kiss broke off too early and Tony had to fight back a whine.

"How about a date on Monday at my place? We'll get some privacy." His lover proposed casually. Tony wanted to yell 'yes' so badly that it hurt. But a sudden anxiety took hold of him, telling him that, if he was too greedy, he could lose everything. Regaining some composure, he replied "Yeah... Erm, we'll see, might be busy on Monday." _Don't be spoiled, act cool and get back in control. Curb your excitement._

"Hmm..." was all that he heard before the kiss came back full force. Tony felt like he was about to break. He returned the kiss, now fully desperate, as a viciously tight ball of emotions formed in his chest. Tony wanted it now. He wanted _him_ now. The kiss was now a hot mess of tongue and teeth and Tony could feel wetness seeping into the material of his undergarment. He squirmed as his backside itched. He wanted to feel the other's naked skin against his. He wanted to feel the warmth of his length as it breached his body, making him feel so warm, so good and so wanted. Tony wanted everything so badly, his desperation making itself clear as he clawed at the broad shoulders, trying to bring the larger man impossibly closer. He was running out of the air but he didn't care.

And then, he gasped.

Everything was gone. Tony was in his bed, at home. He was still aroused and sweaty. He took a second to catch his breath before connecting the dots. It was a dream.

 _No no no no no..._ He screwed his eyes shut, wishing he could go back to his dream, even if it was just for another minute. But he was too worked up and the dream world was dissolving fast. Tony fought back his tears as a helpless whine came out of him.

"How much longer are you going haunt me?" Tony said to surrounding darkness, his voice rough and uneven. "How much longer am I going to be longing for you?" There was no reply, only silence. A shiver ran through his spine as he curled into a ball in his moist sheets, trying to warm himself up. There was no chance that Steve was ever going to come back. He couldn't even if he wanted to. More importantly, he made it loud and clear that he despised Tony now. He could still see the hate in the other man's face. The expression he had the last time they saw each other; pure annoyance, disgust, and hate. The memory shattered his already fragile heart. It all went so wrong, and it was his fault.

Many have tried reasoning with Tony, telling him that Steve betrayed him and went against his sermons as a soldier, against the country he swore to protect. And only to save a mass murderer. Some even said that Tony was too soft, too involved. That if he hadn't been so caught up in his emotions he would see that the right course of action would have been to terminate both Steven Grant Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes and send the rest of the company to the state prison. Intellectually, Tony understood where those opinions were coming from, although he would rather kill himself before he did anything like arresting a member of the team. Of the old team. Deep down, he felt like it was his fault. No, Tony knew it was his fault. He had been too selfish, too needy and he didn't try hard enough to understand Steve when he needed to. He took him for granted. Heck, he took everyone and everything for granted. Now, it was too late. Once again, everyone has walked away from Tony Stark.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y." He hesitated. He wanted to ask his AI to track the captain down. But he knew it wasn't right. Tony knew it would break him more than he already was. That it would negate all the progress he did since Steve left. Since they all left.

"Yes, sir?" Tony grabbed his tablet and opened the notepad app.

"Archive this note in the usually restricted folder after I'm done."

"Very well."

Tony sighed and blinked away the tears. "... Here goes nothing. Again..." and started typing.

_There was a warm and familiar body heat..._

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free let me know what you think (or if you see any mistakes). Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I'm also on tumblr : [hayluhalo.tumblr.com](hayluhalo.tumblr.com)


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